The Sneakeasy
by notsosolemnly
Summary: When a brand new hair product is banned due to its effects, James and Sirius decide to start making their own. Meanwhile the prefects are allowed to take points for a trial period, which makes them a little competitive.
1. Chapter 1

THE SNEAKEASY

PART 1

James looked different one morning.

He had taken such a long shower that very morning he missed class. And so he waited outside.

"Notice anything different about me?" he asked when class was over.

Sirius scanned him from head to toe.

"New earrings? Put on weight?"

"Nope!"  
"You said you were doing something with your hair."

"Remember that I signed up to test this new hair product for money and free hair products? Supposed to control your hair or whatever. Well? How do I look?"

"Like you want some summerloving."

"I don't get that reference."

"Like you're getting some over head lifters and some four barrel squads."

He didn't get that one, either.

"Like you're stranded at the drive in. Branded a fool."

"Do I take that as approval?"

Sirius couldn't say. He was having a private flashback, of himself travelling back 20 some years through his parent's photo album. So much hip-thrusting. Couldn't unsee!

"CAN'T UNSEE!" he screamed.

"Will you tell me if you like it or not? You say I have no taste. I could be looking like an utter tit right now although I'd like to be looking at an utter tit right now!"  
"I know where there are lots of tits," said Remus.

"Are you serious?"

"Are we talking about the same thing?"

"Probably not."

"Once I came so close I touched it!" said Peter.

James's hair sure smelled nice, Sirius thought. Like, really nice. It wasn't right for blokes to use fragrant hair products. It made things weird and deeply confusing.

"Are you sure it's not a woman's product?"

"It's unisex, ok?"

"Did it say so on the jar?"

"It didn't say it wasn't. Besides, what difference does it make? Man hair isn't different from woman hair, I think."

"Well, I suppose you would have been able to tell from the design."

"I think so. Just because I can' tell pink from blue does, doesn't mean I can't recognise a woman's product when I see it. But this jar, it was definitely blue, with a very curly font surrounded by lots of little hearts."

"Girly font?"

" _Curly_ font! _Sleekeazy; For Man's Pleasure._ So far this really has been to my pleasure. It sure smells nice. I'm getting... broom varnish, sweaty sock and...mmm... fresh towel. Now where is all this coming from? "

He kept turning around, looking for the source, like a tail-less dog trying to catch his fart..

"You all getting that?" he asked, still sniffing.

Sirius wasn't getting that at all, he was getting entirely different smells.

"Ground coffee, croissant, smoke. Where's the smoke coming from? Is something burning?"

"I can't sense any smoke," said Remus.

"No because you're probably sensing seaweed and oolong."

"No I'm not."

"You're not sensing anything at all?"

"Just kelp and bergamot, for some reason."

"And bubblegum, too."

"I don't know. I can't tell."

"I can, but I know where it's coming from."

"I'm still waiting for opinions," said James. "Is it so much to ask for you to stop looking at me with lust in your eyes and give me some feedback?"

It was, actually. That hair product was really doing something to their brains. Something wonderful.


	2. Chapter 2

THE SNEAKEASY

PART 2

The Prefect Chamber was open to prefects alone, and closed to the rest of the world.

It was the snuggliest little place, full of button-back chairs so soft they had been known to swallow entire persons. There was a crackling fire where tea was always cooking in a cauldron like a hot punch bowl, and the cupboards were full of various games and records for those who wanted to hang around and bond after meetings.

As for the meetings themselves, they were held every third Tuesday night at seven. They were hosted by Heads Ivory Ivy and Mortdecai Marrow of Slytherin House.

"Before the meeting starts," said Ivy. "Who wants to be the secretary?"

Toady put up her hand, crying "Me! Me! Me!" There really was no point in asking.

"Ok then," said Ivy. "Since you already have the notebook."

"Wait a minute!" said Roy. "I'd quite like to be the secretary this time."

"No," Marrow told him.

"Why not? I thought the point was that everybody gets a turn!"

"It was, until you decided to dramatise your observations and try to sell our dirty secrets on morning telly."

"I don't dramatise anything. I just hide behind the sofa here after meetings and spy."

Horror, shame and tomato red cheeks washed over a number of pairs.

"Why do you think I always sit over here?"

"Objection!" said Toady. "I find this conversation highly inappropriate!"  
"Shut up, Toady!" came multipled voices.

"It's _Toddy!_ Oh, I can't wait to get married..."

"Who'd marry _you_?" asked Raz Vicious.

"Ugly people do get married," said his partner Ebola Crool. "Like my evil parents, for example."

"I don't believe you, Denebola. If your parents are ugly, then how come you're so pretty?"

"I suspect the milk wizard. The milk wizard, a power shortage and gallons of absinthe. After all, it's how they got married."

"Ok this is all very interesting," said Ivy. "So do tell the whole story."

It took Ebola Crool some five minutes to recount the entire story as she had been told by her evil mum.

"Fascinating," said Marrow, gabble in hand. "But story time is over. I call this meeting open."

He banged his little gabble.

"Now," said Ivy. "As you know, we've been getting crap from McGonagall since... forever, for being so inefficient and lazy, and basically too afraid to confront the bullies. Fear not, 'though. Apparently this can be easily countered with a mantra."

"A mantra?" came multiple curious voices.

"The mantra is called Warn and Walk. It's proven to be highly efficient at Hosenwurst in Germany. This is how it works. Now Mort and I will act out a scene."

Marrow mimed smoking. Ivy came up to him.

"You there! No smoking in the potions lab! Go to the hospital wing, if you want to smoke!"

"Make me, nerd!" Marrow retorted.

"If you don't put it down now I will report you. You have been warned."

"Oh, ok then. You have taught me to respect the rules."

Marrow mined putting out his cigarette in an ashtray. Beau Marceau the mime-prefect shook his head.

They looked out at the prefects as if expecting rousing applause for this highly unrealistic reconstruction of how scenes like these usually played , if not all, were of the opinion that their performance was a sure way to get an upside down face or whatever the latest fad jinx was.

"Oh, ok," said Ivy. "Then maybe you would like to act out a more realistic scene. Any volunteers? Let me see..."

As usual, Toady begged to be chosen, desperate for attention. But Ivy ignored her completely.

During this whole time, Remus had been doing some homework. It wasn't exactly considered to be the best of manners, but it wasn't the worst crime in the world, either.

He had only been half paying attention to the performance, when he found his homerwork being ensnared by dental floss and snatched away from him. Roy! What a rip-off!

He flashed that well-rehearsed smile of his.

"Maybe if you didn't sleep through the classes you wouldn't have to catch up so much!" he said, trying to assume a friendly tone although what he said wasn't all that friendly.

First of all, it wasn't "catching up" but "catching ahead", as a kind of buffer. And second, speak of what you know!  
But now, thanks to this dimwit, Ivy had her eyes on him and trying to avoid attention in a classroom was a sure way to attract it, as everybody knew. The same applied to prefect meetings at times, because Ivy and Manrgove were also sadists.

"You two. Come up here," said Ivy and waved them forwards.

Mac put down her homework. Ivy and Marrow waited by the flying flip chart.

"Just act out a scene, then," said Marrow, stepping aside. "Aaaand action!"

Mac spoke first.

"You there! Don't smoke in the potions lab. Go to the hospital wing, if you want to smoke. Those are the rules."

"Make me."

"If you don't go to the hospital wing and smoke there I will report you."

"You can't do that come on don't be lame what if we reported you?"

"For what?"

"You know!"

"For lying my way out of PE class once or twice? It's my duty to report you, no matter what."

Ivy gave here thumbs up.

"You are a hypocrite and a wuss," said Remus. "That was the character, that said that."

"That... hurts my character's feelings," said Mac. "Because it's true."

Thankfully, Ivy saw it fit to stop them here.

"You were doing great, Mac! This is where the Warn and Walk comes in. When he said 'Come on, don't be lame', you should have Warned and Walked. Don't stay and take abuse. Just warn... and walk! Ok, you can go and sit now."

The Warn and Walk sounded so empowering. But it just couldn't be that easy.

"I mean, we get it!" said Marrow. "Ivy, how did the quote go?"

"It takes courage to stand up to your enemies, but it takes _more_ courage to stand up to your friends!"

Ivy and Marrow held their faces for a good half a second before they cracked from the cheese. The entire room exploded with roaring laughter from Slytherins and (most) Gryffindors alike.

Then they turned to their respective prefect arch-enemy and said: The hell are _you_ laughing at?

"We're joking," said Marrow. "Seriously, 'though. What we're trying to say is that when you're a prefect, the prefects are your friends. The prefects will have your back."

That just sounded weird and cultish.

"As prefects we must put our private selves aside. Kind of like aurors. When they're out in their auror robes, auroring, we're like 'shit it's the aurors amscray!' While on a different day, when you're back in the same shop stuffing jelly beans in your pockets you might see the same auror but in civil robes and freak, but they're like 'No it's cool I'm not on duty go ahead.' That's how I like to think of it, anyway. Except we follow rules, not auras. And we're always on duty! But putting yourself aside can be tricky. That's why McGonagall gave us these."

Remus had been wondering what was in Ivy's medium paper bag. Now she began to hand out brand new sunglasses with the Dazzling Eyes logo to everybody.

"These are great!" she said. "Not only will you feel really cool in them, you will all look cool while the bullies can't read the weakness in your eyes! Try them, please!"

Trying them out was all good fun.

"I'm still not content with either performance," said one prefect. "I mean, what if they threaten to jinx you?"

"Or jinx you, without threatening first?" came another.

"Or beat you up?" came a third.

"This is the beauty of warn and walk," said Ivy. "Just warn and walk. Warn and run is fine, too. Hey, get a braver friend if you must but the rule does state that everybody deserves a fair warning. You look better if you take a beating."

" _How_ exactly?"

"Ok, not you, but some do"

"But what if they're really beautiful?" Roy whispered.

"Then don't look at them, obviously."

"But what if you want to?"

"There's a reason we have this Noahs ark arrangement. This is not just a dating service, you know. Like the song says, _it takes two, baby."_

Ivy tried to turn it into a cute romantic duet, but Marrow had his mind elsewhere. Elsewhere being Mona Weed and her fragrant man pleasing hair.

"Ok, so I'm glad we had this talk," she said sourly. "So you have your mantra and your sunnies. But to really help motivate you, here's the real news! For a trial period of six months we will all be allowed to take points! Every meeting whoever has taken the most points is made Top Prefect. The Top Prefects will get this lovely box of quills from one of the Hogwarts sponsors, Doodles Enriched. And the final winners, once the trial period is over, get to go to the prefect seminar in Moosehoof, Ottawand!"

There was a question on everybody's lips. Marrow was browsing through the prefect file.

"In a minute I will give you all the point guide."

The point guide!


	3. Chapter 3

THE SNEAKEASY

PART 3

Bubbles, vapour and all the usual potions stuff. Today they were cooking the Hyperactivus Potion, which actually sounded like a promising energiser for tired mornings after sleepless nights.

Remus checked with his vegan substitutes guide. It turned out that ice cold shower water worked just as well as the non synthetic bile of a red bull.

James and Sirius already had their potions simmering. Instead of doing some minor tidying up or triple checking the recipe like most, they spent the wait raiding cabinets for 'something funny', like goat testicles, to have a flinging contest with.

"Plopp!" said James, as the bezoar dropped in Snape's cauldron across the lab and made splashes against the sides.

Sirius wasn't as skilled. He hit many things, such as wonks, tossers and even the occasional wanker, and it took him on average three attempts to hit his target. But he definitely improved quickly.

"Wahey it didn't even hit the side!"

Then he and James needed to open a new jar.

"Hey," said Remus, remembering something vague. "Stop that."

"Why?"

"Because it's not very nice."

"Is it against some niceness rule?"

"Yeah it's against some niceness rule!"

"You don't know it's not nice," said James. "They're goat bollocks. We might be doing him a huge favour."

"They're not bollocks, they're some kind of hardened gastrointestinal mass. You're probably just giving him a huge constipation."

"It's a cure-all. We're probably curing his huge constipation."

Gastrointestinal cure-alls was probably the nicest thing they could contaminate Snapes potion with, but even so, it still seemed wrong.

While they struggled with the vacuum sealed jar, calling it a gastrointestinal mass, Remus cranked up the heat on their heat sensitive potion. It wasn't the right thing to do by any means, and it was completely on impulse he did it. He was so used to simply diverting their attention he had forgotten all about the warn and walk. Pfft, warn and walk? He was in class, where was he supposed to walk? Stupid mantras, they all failed sooner or later somehow.

"Shoot it's burning!" said Sirius when he noticed the hyperactivus splashing over the sides. He turned off the heat, removed it from the stove while James filled a sink with ice cold water. Steam arose as the potion was dipped, but alas... It was too late. The potion was completely black and filled the entire room with a rank smell. They had to throw it out and start over. Slughorn came by, his nose covered.

"What happened here?" he asked.

"Our potion burned," said James.

"Didn't you simmer it on low heat?"

"Yeah. It still burned."

There really wasn't much more to say on the matter, so Slughorn left. It didn't take very long to repeat the first steps and within ten minutes the second batch was already simmering away.

James unscrew a jar of that hair product and inhaled. Then he let Sirius have a whiff and both zoned out.


	4. Chapter 4

THE SNEAKEASY

PART 4

As the first weeks passed the pressure of taking points grew. Prefects were finding points to take all the time and everywhere, all the while all rule breaking seemed to escape Remus entirely. Well, not all of it...

But every time he spotted any rule breaking that he was willing to report, somebody else always beat him to it. Which was fine.

Except it wasn't. This was a competition. If he didn't take any points soon he'd look like an utter tit, as opposed to at an utter tit. Outdoors. He knew all their nesting places.

"Hey," said Mac one evening when she found him in the library. "Fancy a stroll or something? We can take our homework with us."

That sounded jolly enough, as jolly as ruining people's fun was.

With their noses in their books they didn't see much outside of them, and whenever they saw something in their peripheral vision it was always false alarm.

"Do you smell that?" Remus asked.

"Smoke," said Mac, and they followed the smell, because smoke meant people and people meant potential for wrong doing.

They found a small group just standing in a corner smoking and chatting.

"Must be something we can take points for," said Remus. Mac looked at her guide.

"Well, let's see. Haircuts are fine."

"Robes not provocative."

"Activityapprorpiate."

"Topic of conversation inoffensive."

"Volume at a respectful low."  
Damn was this the hour of do-gooders?

"Hey, he's drinking tea!" Remus suddenly noticed.

"So what that's not against the rules."

"But the book, it has that library mark!"

Which meant a risk of spilling. They tucked away their point guides and hurried, but they were too slow as usual! Roy and Mona, appearing from nowhere, rushed forward like a pair of hawks.

"Ha ha that's ten points!" said Roy to the unsuspecting tea drinker.

"Wait a minute," said Mac. "You have to inform first."

"That's where you are wrong. The guide plainly states: if you catch anybody comitting any of the following offences, take points according to the table. Says nothing about informing or warning first."

"But it's what we've been told the whole time."

"Yeah, because we didn't take points before," said Mona. "All we did was inform and warn. But now we are free to take points."

"Hold it delinquent, you're coming with me!"

Roy seized the chap who was trying to sneak away by the hood.

"Where to?" he asked.

"Ten points from Hufflepuff. Give me the tea!"'

The chap gave it up without fussing and fled as soon as Roy let him.

"I think we just reached the 100 mark!" he said.

His point taking guide produced some sparkly confetti, and so did Monas.

"How many have you taken so far?" Mona asked. "Combined, I mean?"

"Erm..," said Mac. "How many have you taken?"

"Uhm let me think...," Remus counted on his fingers. "1, 2, 3. 3 points."

" _Three?"_

"I was going to take 300, but..," But he couldn't well enough take points everytime Sirius tried to get Shishi the Kappa high. "What about you?"

"Five. Cas broke my curling iron. I was going to take ten but she threatened to pick up an eating disorder."

"Oh," said Roy. "I thought you were supposed to be competitive or something, but nevermind. More brand quills to us. See you!"

The two left, to mooch off someone else's findings.

This was ridiculous. Did McGonagall really believe that allowing them to take points was a good idea? Yet it was true, they had never been busier.

The halls were so quiet. Why did they have to be so quiet now that Remus was more ready than ever to get a little competitive?

But there was not even a little pest scratching in a corner. Just a dead silence, and a bat with a joint in its mouth, flapping over him. Fletcher came running after it, trying to catch it with a butterfly net.

"You come back here!" he shouted. "Ruddy bats! Oh, hello you two."

He tried to lean casually against a column without falling over.

"What is up? How is it going?"

A spider came dangling down on a string and landed on his . Wherever it was heading, it had to cut through Fletcher's face to get there. Fletcher got some web on his tongue. He spat.

"Marvellous, fascinating creatures!"

He stuck a hand in his robes, took out a large bottle of rum and chugged.

"Hey Fletcher," said Mac. "Do you know we can take points for six months?"

Fletcher had another swig before hiding the rum behind his back.

"Is that so? Fascinating! I think I saw a bat with a joint flying that way."

Remus didn't much fancy the idea of taking points from him. Yes, he was a junkie, but a harmless

and good-natured junkie, somebody whose fun he really didn't want to spoil because of some rule or competition. But now Mac looked at him, as if thinking he ought to.

"You!" he said and pointed Fletcher in the chest. "Have a nice evening!"  
"You too!" Fletcher replied and raised his rum for another swig.

" _Don't_ do _that..."_

"Do you want to take the points?" Mac asked. "Shouldn't be too difficult."

Why couldn't she just do it, then, if she had no idea how difficult it was?

"Fine," Remus said and checked the guide. "That's (wohoo!) that's 300 points from Hufflepuff!"

Fletcher gasped, shocked!

"Give me the rum!"

Fletcher did so, too stunned to protest. He showed such good behaviour he deserved a reward.

"300 points to Hufflepuff. Where did you get it?"

"Sprouts liquor cabinet," Fletcher replied, now just uncertain.

"You can have it back if you promise to return it."

It took some pondering before Fletcher replied.

"Ok I promise."

That was such good behaviour he deserved another reward.

"Another 300 points to Hufflepuff," said Remus, giving back the rum. "You know, for what you will do."

"Right," said Fletcher, and winked.

"Don't _wink!"_

"I don't think you're doing this right," said Mac. "Nor do I think you're following the reward guide."  
"I know, but I just can't do it. I'll do others. You do this one."

"Ok. 600 points from Hufflepuff. Give me the rum."

She jerked the bottle from Fletcher's dirty grip and their point guides sprouted hurricanes of confetti. With Mac taking back 600 unjustly given points plus another 300, after Remus having taken 300 before that, they were now at an unbeatable lead, which allowed them to slack off for the rest of the week while letting their rivals try to beat them. But they'd have to beat 1200 points. 1207 points to be precise.


	5. Chapter 5

THE SNEAKEASY

PART 5

Many had tried, some had come close, but by the next Prefect meeting nobody had managed to beat 1207 points. Remus and Mac were made the first Top Prefects.

And despite being prone to guilt, Remus didn't feel guilt at all. In fact, what he felt seemed to be quite the opposite. So they had as good as cheated because they hadn't confessed the mistake that had happened. It's was wrong and all that.

But seeing their faces, it had just been too unbeatable! Seeing Roy's grin fall off his face, seeing Toady vibrate with jealousy, Vicious and Crool pretending they didn't care anyhow... Somehow the dishonesty only served to make that experience even more wonderful.

From then on Remus confiscated tea everywhere. As it turned out, people were breaking some minor rule everywhere if you looked hard enough. And when Mac wasn't with him, how easy was it to catch people where they weren't supposed to be? Poor things.

But now he had finally shut up about all that.

Sirius was happy for this new found confidence, kind of annoyed at this violation of map philosophy and really annoyed with the gum popping.

The gum popping didn't annoy him normally, but for some reason he found it absolutely infuriating tonight. He had been so blissed out all afternoon he had forgotten all about tomorrow's homework.. And by the time he was coming down from that high he was feeling more irrtated than ever, for some mysterious reason.

And it was his ancient runes homework, too. And it had to be in runic. Three pages on the evolution of runes, incorporating runes if intermediate level to add at least three magical qualities of practical value. And so far he had nothing.

He lied on his bed, tapping his fountain pen against his chin.

 _Practical value, practical value-_ pop.

He put his pen to his open notepad.

 _It wasn't until the early 1800's that-_ pop.

Sirius put down the pen, and tried to think of some fun effects to add. What if his essay played ominous music? Or stabbed you in the face? Opportunities were endless.

But they had to be useful. Like invisibility runes. Or shuffle runes. Or password runes. All child's play.

What if his essay would read itself in some angry voice and then self destruct? Damn he was thinking of those letters his mum would send him for christmas, wasn't he?

Maybe it could fold itself into a paper aeroplane, or a boat, or a hat?

Or better yet, what if it _showed_ the evolution of runes while some voice read the history of it, and then in the end it became a spaceship!

And _then-_ pop.

" _IF YOU POP THAT GUM ONE MORE TIME!"_

Remus's tea splashed against the sides. He wasn't holding it. His tea was just on egde for some reason.

"Sorry," he said.

Maybe Sirius was thing about popping gum though was that it was so irregular. You could have several pops within a few seconds, then there could be minutes until the next one, then slightly less til the next one... It was really annoying. Clocks were regular. You knew when the next tick was coming. In a second, every time. A clock could never catch you by surprise, like gum popping.

It was probably time for a break. Sirius shoved all the books aside. There was no way he'd get the essay done in time. Most people never finished Professor Geezer's homework in time. He never finished grading them in time so he was probably happy to be spared the extra workload.

"Ever since you were made King Prefect you seem to be enjoying it a lot more."

"It wasn't fair. I have to make up for it now."

"If you're going to chase 1207 points each week you might as well love what you do."

"It's all very tedious. I've caught 20 people since, and that's only generated 140 points. There's just not a lot of points in tea drinking. That's why I've been charting the most profitable mining sources."

"'Mining sources'?"

"Oh yeah! Once I know who they are, where they go and when they go there, points everywhere!"

"Hallelujah."

"People who are out after curfew, they don't generate a lot of points. But it's among the most common and easy-to-find. Trying to get every untied shoelace and improper haircut is just a waste of time. But vandalism and hate crimes! Now we're talking!"

He began to scribble very frenetically, doing some quick math. Instead of getting cartoon-dollar-eyes, he got cartoon-point-hourglass eyes. He put the calculations aside and began to brush up on the rules, while he had Shishi monitor the map.

"Anytime you're short on points..," said Sirius.

"I don't want to inspire you. That would be against the entire point. Haha."

"Whether you like it or not, you sure are inspiring me."

He tried to take the map from Shishi, but the slimy thing bore it's rank teeth at him.

"Do you mind?"

It took him long enough, but eventually Remus whipped out his phrase book.

" _Hatto wa mangekyou."_

 _"Shinjite-iru no mirakuru romansu,"_ Shishi replied with a humble bow and removed his slimy hands from the map.

Sirius returned to his side of the dorm. He saw, among other things, that Sprout was still in her chamber and that Fletcher was close by, and also that James was on his way.

"Are you done with it now?" Remus asked.

"Why? Do you need it? I thought you had it all worked out."

"I don't, but it's fine."

"Ok great!"  
Sirius stuck it inside his robes and reached for a can of sleek. He couldn't quite put his finger on what was making him so irritated, but it didn't matter. Some sleek would make it all better. He inhaled deeply.

"Mmmm! AAAAAHHH!"

"Do _you_ mind?"

"It's old now. Time for a new can."

He threw the old can across the room and summoned a new one.

"Please don't throw your old cans in my tanks," said Remus, who was now trying to fish out said can from an aquarium of lustful beings.

"So-ree, but in my defense," said Sirius. "It's impossible to throw a can in here in any direction without it landing in a tank."

"So don't throw cans around, then."

James came in through the door when it seemed like the atmosphere would take a turn for the breezy. He, too, seemed irritated, so that took Sirius's mind off his own irritation.

"How was Idditchquay?"

James dropped off his Ziggy Stardust on his bed. "Fine. Really well. Then Moran and the rest of them show up, being their usual whiny selves, all 'We booked it!' and that. We ask them how they got out and they start raving about magpies nearly taking their eyes out. The point is _we_ were there first. They shouldn't have been trapped in a room full of magpies if they cared, it's like they don't know the _rules!"_

 _"_ Some people have _no_ respect for the rules."

"I don't know why it bugged me particularily much today. Give me that can, will you? Mmmm. AAAAAHHH! Must be all the stress."

James had a lie down to enjoy the effects and Sirius took the can back.

"Maybe we're sympathy PMS:ing."

The fresh sleek put him in such a haze he was only vaguely aware of what happened around him. One of the wonderful things about it was that it slowed down the time, or that was how it felt.

He reached for the can again when the haze was gone, and almost got it stuck to his face this time, because the opening had been covered with a pink film of the stickiest variety. But it was his hand that got stuck.

"Hey way to take out your PMS:ing on the innocent!" he yelled, trying to resist. James came to his aid, trying to pull the jarr off his hand.

"Nooo you mustn't struggle!"

And he was right. The more Sirius tried to unstick his hand, the more entangled in the mess it became, like a devil's snare devil's snare.

"How are you already suffering from withdrawal?" Remus asked.

"I'm not," said Sirius. "That's so offensive, for you to blame my irritation on my brain chemistry, although it's completely justified!  
Meanwhile James had been searching the Box of Random Crap. He found a large tooth, thicker than his thumb and sharper than a surgical knife.

"Ok hold still," he said and cut Sirius's hand as carefully as he could, until it came lose.

Sirius's released hand still had bits of gum attached to it, bits of gum covered in precious Sleek. James seized his wrist and pressed the fragrant fingers to his face.

"Mmmm! AAAAHHH!"  
"Stop that!"  
While they did whatever it was they were doing, Remus thought he'd put on his sunnies and go elsewhere.

"Stylish," said James.

"You have to be," said Sirius, "when you're compensating for taking 1200 points too many or something."

"What I don't get is why you couldn't just say it was an accident."

"Because I wanted to cherish the look of surprise on their faces!" said Remus.

"Then, why this compensation?"

"Because I'm changeable!"


	6. Chapter 6

THE SNEAKEASY

PART 6

The day came when Sleek was released in shops everywhere. As a natural consequence of that, nobody could concentrate in Herbology class.

Professor Sprout had brought a tree sitting in a medium pot filled to the brim with the shards of human skulls.

"This is an Umdhlebi tree," she said, pronouncing it _oondle-bie. "_ It is highly fierce and toxic, but the fruits possess medicinal properties. Never handle without protective gloves and a gas mask. This is what the seeds look like. Take the paper pot you made earlier, fill to the brim with cremation ashes, put the seed in. Come to me when you've finished."

Boys and girls usually rushed to be the first to fill up their pots, but today most of them were a lot chiller than usual.

"I sure could go for some Sleek right now," said James as he scooped ashes into the paper pots he had prepared earlier.

"It feels like it's been _hours,"_ Sirius complained.

"I has been hours. Close to an hour anyway."

James passed him the scoop. "Did you bring any?"

"Didn't you?"

Horror washed over them for a moment, but there was no reason for it. All they needed to do was look around to see that Sleek was currently being abused in secret by just about everybody, and most were happy to share.

Instead of queuing to the cremation ashes, Remus was tending to some other plant in the meantime. Fletcher, too, preferred to wait until the competition had subsided.

"And that's when it hit me," he said. "What can the angry spirit of a dead pirate really do to me?"

Lots of horrible things.

"There are water ghosts that drown people and then take over their bodies," said Remus. "So if you're ever diving in some old wreck, watch out for those."

Fletcher turned paler than a water ghost.

"How do I know that I'm not possessed already?"

"You don't dive in old wrecks, do you?" James asked him. "You're hydrophobic."

Fletcher shrugged. "I like the weed."

Fletcher suffered from a very severe case of hydrophobia. Most days. Today, however, he looked exceptionally... washed. Like he was a little too fresh out of the shower.

"What a waste," he complained, sucking on some split ends.

"What's in that stuff?" Remus asked.

"Avocado extract, peach kernel oil, poppy seed purée, the usual beauty care stuff."

He hiccuped. An iridescent bubble with a sparkling clean fly came out of his mouth.

"How funny that when you mix it all together you get something that tastes like soap. Anyway, I don't get the hype."

Sucking on his hair, he left to fill his paper pots.

"I should mention," said Professor Sprout quite loudly while just sort of pacing around, "that the Umdhlebi is a very predatorial organism and it is also very sensitive. So handle with care, or it might prick you."  
Sirius took the cigarette from his mouth.

"What are you looking at me for?" he asked James.

"Because you're so beautiful?"

"I would sooner die than insult a predatorial organism, you know that."

"I know you would sooner like to be pricked."

Why was Sprout repeatedly warning them when they had only just put their seeds in?  
"What's Robert Reed doing?" Peter asked.

Robert Reed, it appeared, was at the other far end of the table making rude gestures at his paper pot of ashes to entertain his chum Chris Clover.

"Your idiot Gryffindor impression is spot on!" Chris laughed.

"Come and get me! Come and get me, then! Tbfffth! It's not doing anything, how dull."

"Professor Sprout didn't say not to insult it. So maybe if you bang it hard against the table, or smash it against the window."

Reed decided to have a whiff of Sleek first. He pressed the can to his nose and drew a breath all the way down to his toes. His wide pupils could be seen spiralling from across the greenhouse.

"Are you ok?" Clover asked.

"I'm fine. I just... woah!"  
Reed was clearly away with the kites, rambling about lambs with their umbilical cords to the Earth. He was apparently seeing one such lamb in his paper pot, and began to dig through the ashes.

A fork tipped sprout shot in the air and pricked him in the neck and Clover had to put his gloves back on to stroke the agitated tendril.

The attack had taken Reed out of his delusions and now he was dripping from sweat.

"I don't feel so good," he said, fingering the large oozing boils that were forming all across his face.

Sprout told Clover to take Reed to the hospital wing immediately.

"Maybe I wasn't clear," said Sprout. "When I said handle with care, I meant don't bother it. Not even the seeds. You can all get back to work now."

The greenhouse was so hot it was enough to make anybody feverish. Sirius pulled off his robes.

"Why do we have to wear these? It's so hot in here!"

Unfortunately he pulled off his robes when Maple wasn't looking where she set her foot. She stepped on a misplaced rake which hit here square in the face and dropped all the content in the bag Reed had left behind, among it the can of Sleek. Sprout was on site in a second to see how Maple was doing.

James wasn't the only person sensing danger.

"Uh oh!" said Fletcher.

"Find a way to distract her, then!" Sirius urged him.

"The pressure!"  
Everything happened so fast. The can had already wound up in Sprout's hand somehow, and she was looking very closely at the ingredients.

"It's mine!" Fletcher told her.

"Yours, Mr Fletcher?"

"It's just some anti-rust I made. Robert needed it for some old lock weeks ago and never returned it."  
Professor Sprout would have to be pretty gullible to fall for that, even by Hufflepuff standards. But she clearly trusted Fletcher enough to swallow it, finding it entirely plausible. She returned the can to him.

Somewhat embarassed, Maple followed Sprout to the first-aid cabinet to have the rake indents on her face tended to.

"That reminds me," said Remus and put another jar right beside the can on Fletcher's table space. "Here's your anti-rust back. It worked great."

"Great, thanks," Fletcher replied.

When he tried to take the jar off the table to pack it, he found it entirely stuck.

"Ruddy hooligans spilling their sticky pop everywhere nnnngghh!" he said, pulling the jar with all his might but to no avail.

"Just leave it, ok," said James, but a little too late.

Fletcher's stubborn attempt to pack his anti-rust resulted in the entire table being turned over, creating a right mess on his side, a mess of ashes, broken pots and spilt sleek that bore no resemblance to anti-rust whatsoever.

Sprout was red in the face by now.

"What happened _now?!_ For Christ's sake, what's gotten into you all today? _"_

She took a look at the mess on the floor, especially the spilt Sleek mixing with actual anti-rust, and the difference could not escape her, nor the fact that she had been lied to. If she didn't get a clue now she was a disgrace to Hufflepuffs everywhere. Fletcher possessing cosmetic products was just far too suspicious.

She ordered them all to clean up.

"You could have said," said Sirius. "The anti-rust is sleek and everybody uses it to get high."

"But that would have made me a tattle-tale," said Remus.

"True. I sure hope nobody will want to get back at you, by threatening something you like."

Snort. Double snort.

"Reed went bonkers and was pricked by a deadly plant!"

"I nearly lost a hand!" 


	7. Chapter 7

THE SNEAKEASY

PART 7

Sleek was banned. Those who tried sneaking it into Hogwarts were caught every time. James and Sirius had experienced that personally several times. They couldn't keep it in the dorm either, because Remus found it _every time._ He wouldn't tattle tale, but he would still throw it away and call it 'Oops!'.

(Sneaky bastard!)

"God I can't stand the sneaky bastard!" Sirius complained one evening.

"This is all your fault, Padfoot," said James.

"How so, my friend?"

"Because when you're friendly you're a lot flirtier and he just can't say no. But when you're enemies he's thinking 'Fuck that bastard' and then _I_ suffer too, as a result. I mean, think of the _me!_ It's basic psychology, mate. _"_

They had wandered off to the greenhousi, and there was somebody in one of them. Fletcher. He was half-tending to his Umdhlebi and half-sticking his nose in a can of- they couldn't believe it!- Sleek!

"Where did you get that?" James asked.

"Oh, this?" Fletcher replied. "I made it myself. I thought that if I mixed avocados and peaches and all the other stuff I'd get Sleek. But this does nothing, and it tastes like a healthy smoothie."

And it gave his hair a light green coating, too. At least the chaps hoped it was Sleek, and not mold.

"Of course!" said Sirius. "That's what they did during the prohibition era besides wear fedoras! They made _Moonshine!"  
_ "We need to make our own Sleekeazy!" said James. "And open up a Speakeazy! And call it a Sneakeazy!"  
"You should call your loos Leekeazy," said Fletcher.

"I'm going to smoke all these now," said Sirius, rattling a box of Rothmans. "Be a good slave and get the potions lab ready while I do."

"I thought I was the slave," said Peter.

"I can do that," said Fletcher. "I didn't actually clean up. I just have to finish this one thing first."

James and Sirius, and Peter as well, left the green house. Fletcher rubbed his hands together.

"Howls of derisive laughter!" he screamed. "I bet you thought you could get away with humiliating me in front of Professor Sprout! Well, let's see how you like bubblegum ban!"  
He dropped a white gumball in some LSD solution using a pair of tweezers. After a few seconds he took it out and put it in his mouth. The desired effect was instant and next he took off his pants and ran outside, shouting about being a barrel organ.


	8. Chapter 8

THE SNEAKEASY

PART 8

James and Sirius had broken into the now closed down Sleekeasy factory last night to steal the recipe. Therefore they had slept all day and missed all the day's event. The first thing that came to their minds when they woke up some time after school was that they needed a secret location where they could brew their shampoo.

They were absolutely stumped. They knew plenty secret locations, and liked being the only ones doing so.

"Must be some secret location we can use for our secret brewing and exclusive parties," said Sirius.

"What about the Wishing Room?" James suggested. "I think everybody knows of it anyway. And why can't we just go there and wish for a room full of Sleek?"

"Do that, and let me know how it went."

James disappeared for a few minutes. He returned with a carrot.

"Must be affected by the ban," he theorised, crunching off the tip.

Speaking of things being affected by the ban...

They had ventured to the depths of the library, something they tended to do quite habitually, and found a trail of pencil chips and torn bits of paper. Said trail led them to a very messy table full of porcelain shards, some more torn paper and books with their corners chewed off.

Here Remus was gnawing on a bunny ears pin cactus behind volum 3 of Thorns! Thorns! Thorns! by Erina Spikes. He looked like he hadn't slept for days (and he was a night owl) and he seemed all around... _incomplete._

"Did your fairies nick your gum again?" Sirius asked him.

"It's been banned," Remus replied. "And also, my wand was confiscated."

"Why?"

"You tell me."  
"What, you think I made it happen?"

"You implied you wanted it to."  
"I wouldn't want it banned. I care about my shoes too much."

"You should probably lock up what's left of them..."

James sat down and slid close to the window.

"How mysterious," he said. "I love it!

"In the meantime," said Sirius, taking a chewtoy from his pocket. "Try this."

"You keep that on you?"

"It's for drama, ok? You know the TS Eliot poem about cats? Drew wrote a dog version, and then turned it into a musical, and now he wants us all to perform it. And so we all got one."

"Even so, do you really think Moony will want something that has your dribble on it?"

But Remus was already finding relief in the rubber dumbbell with the spikes. Well, it wasn't the first time they had exchanged dribble.

"Now I wonder who could have anything against bubblegum?" said James, leaning back.

"People with no teeth," said Sirius. "Old people. Do turtles have teeth? Some sort of vicious dentist!"

"You're rambling again."

"Teachers! They hate gum more than anybody, I think it's pretty much in the job description."

"That's true, but which one?"

Alas, they had no clue. This ban seemed so very out of the blue.

"This is going to attract attention," said Remus about the chew toy, as if him still spitting bits of comb didn't attract attention. As if he was some kind of master at not attracting attention, which he wasn't. Sirius wasn't aware that he actually tried.

"I can get you a part in the dog rendition of cats. Then you can say you're method acting," he said.

"What part?"

"Maybe Mr Mistoffefleas or Old Neuteronomy. The first one is a silent role with a dance solo, and the other has a really tedious ballad at the end."

"Who are you, then?"

"The Rum Tum Taigan."

Remus began to tidy things up a bit. Apparently he had planned to shirk some prefect thing tonight, but thanks to this handy chew toy, he was much too enthusiastic to hang around here any longer with his fingers in his ears.

"Now think," said James, when he and Sirius could discuss their immoral activities in private. "Must be some place we can use."

Sirius sighed, going through alternatives in his mind. "How about we just make one and _pretend_ it's super old and secret?"

"Yeah ok. The sewers it is."

It was boring, but convenient. Besides, it would be super old and secret some day now wunnit?


	9. Chapter 9

THE SNEAKEASY

PART 9

Whispers of the Sneakeasy was soon going around. It was a place of illegal substances, provocative music and fedoras so it was only inevitable that the word would also eventually reach heads Ivy and Mangrove, who very much encouraged the prefects to find the secret location.

The truth was that somewhere deep down in the sewers, next to an old French speaking led pipe, there was another pipe in the shape of a troll's face through which rusty water ran. Sticking two fingers up its nose would reveal the secret Sneakeasy entrance.

"They actually told you this?" Mac asked Remus.

"Not exactly..." Squeak.

They had asked him that, if hyphotetically somebody would want to use an ugly troll's face as a secret entrance to a secret location, what literature might they look in?

The eyes of the troll glowed and the walls slid aside.

The Sneakeasy was loud and smoky. A boy was spooning illegal shampoo from a large cauldron into bowls for the guests. There were plenty of old chairs, all of which were occupied, and a crowded dancefloor. The disco music alone was enough to get them suspended for a year.

"Look, there's Roy and Mona," said Mac. "I just know they will deny this at the next meeting."

"I guess that means we don't have to do anything." Squeak.

"How are those dance lessons working out?"

"Pretty good, thank you."

When Roy and Mona saw them, they came their way.

"Well, well, well!" said Roy, chewing on a rubber pipe. "What are we doing here?"

"I don't know," Mac replied. "What are we doing here?"

"Investigating, 'course! Tell them, Mona!"

Squeak. "Do you like our deerstalkers?" Mona asked. "I made them!"

It didn't look like they were here investigating. It looked like they had come for the Sleek, and now they left to get some more. As far as prefects went, Toady and Marceau had not found their way here by the looks of it. Nor had Crool and Vicious. The Sneakeasy was a hundred percent Slytherin free.

Remus and Mac ventured deeper into the club locale. Sirius and Cas broke free from a little crowd.

Cas took her pink rubber bone from her mouth. "Hey Mac! How do you like the place?"

She put her nose in her bowl and sighed.

"This is awesome! Wanna try some?"

"No," Mac replied.

"Then why even come here? Oh, hi Rem. I can see you're method acting, too! I just wish more people would take this musical as seriously as we do! Anyway. Mac, you haven't even seen half of it yet! You must check out the VIP chamber!"

She stuck the rubber toy back in her mouth and dragged Mac with her through a hidden door.

"You've seen the VIP chamber," said Sirius. "Do you want to see it again?"

"Why show me this? You know I have to report it."

"My dear Moo-ulin Rouge..,"

Of course Sirius had to do that _thing,_ which was putting his arm around Remus for a perspective-changing walk-and-talk. He was of course going to attempt to appeal to his sense of morals/empathy/some crap like that.

"See Paul Japp over there?" he said. "He suffered from such a bad case of depression he couldn't get any school work done. He lagged so badly he was told he wouldn't pass the NEWT's. Then he tried Sleek. Now his depression is as good as gone. His concentration improved and now he's been accepted into Wizard Law School, his dream."

"You are making that up."

"But it could be true. Research claims-"

"-your research-"

"-that Sleek improves mental health and is not harmful or addictive."

"It's against the rules no matter what research claims."

"Do you really want to take this away from these good people, this their only cure and hope for a normal life? Do you really value the _rules_ above their lives, their future?"

"The fact that I'm talking to you and not them makes it easier."

"Is that right?"

"What did you expect?"

"Considering how badly you want to be like Dumbledore, I expected you to not be such a blind follower of rules. It doesn't make any sense for you to value the rules above all else, considering you're breaking rules simply by being here."

"Are you saying that me closing my eyes to all this is comparable to what he's done for me?"

"All rules are equal."

"No they're not. And I'm not the one who decides which are more important."

"But you do decide when to follow them, based on what's in it for you."

A right ruckus could be heard from within the VIP chamber, which was also the kitchen. Sirius excused himself, leaving Remus in the smoke-veiled crowd with a bitter tasting chew toy and thoughts to match.


	10. Chapter 10

THE SNEAKEASY

PART 10

The halls and corridors seemed quieter than ever in the evenings now. Many prefects like to hide near the kitchen, like vultures, waiting for the unsuspecting to get their tea. Then they'd stalk their prey, waiting for them to spill, sometimes even putting on scary masks and frightening them so they'd mess down the floor.

Yeah... Letting prefects take points had really been a shite idea.

But Remus didn't want to confiscate any more tea. It made him feel like a hypocrite, because he liked tea. But also because of Sirius's words at the Sneakeasy a few nights ago. Words that would not stop haunting his mind.

He wondered if Dumbledore really would think less of him if he reported the Sneakeasy. Would he find it self-righteous, and think that he was only doing it for a trip to Canada and not out of proper good? That he was just being a suck-up?

Nobody had gotten hurt, after all. At least not so far.

Here he was, willing to fulfill his responsibilities for once, and all he saw before him was Dumbledore disappointed, seeing through him, seeing his desire for prestige, seeing that he had no clue about right and wrong beyond the rule book.

"Did you know the Sneakeasy has been moved?" Mac asked.

"No. Has it?"

"Cas told me. There are moments when I question my own motifs. Then there are moment when I really want to report her. Now is one of those moments. There are moments when I can't actually see why it would be proper to do so. Then there are moments when it's glaringly obvious."

"How is it glaringly obvious?"

"It wasn't glaringly obvious when I was trying to weigh the pros against the cons. But then it hit me. The Rule Book was written by people smarter than me. I'd have to be pretty arrogant to think that I know better."

"Sure. But not _all_ rules and smart."

"Which rules to you mean?"

"Well, I don't know, like, you know...The one about..," Squeak. "no bubblegum...In the classroom..."

Damn, was that suspicious? Why couldn't he keep his rubber toy in his mouth?

"Well, I mean," said Mac. "It's about respect, innit? It's like, if we can have cats owls and toads here, why no hamsters? Because if they start making exceptions, you know... Yetis everywhere. "

Well, what would be so wrong with yetis everywhere?"

"Yetis are really harmless."

"That may be, but the shedding. You're a bloke so you can't relate to this at all, but you should see what the bathroom looks like after Cas has trimmed her fringe."

But Remus could relate better than she thought.

He had seen what the bathroom looked like after Sirius had trimmed his fringe.

"Cas tells me they're so responsible and everything," said Mac. "And I believe her. But it's Professor McGonagall that has to know what's going on at all times, in case something happens."

Well damn, now it really was glaringly obvious, at least for the time being. Here were all the arguments that had escaped Remus last, and he just knew they'd escape him again in the future.

He began to wonder just where they had managed to wander off. He was so distracted by looking for clues in his surroundings he almost walked into Professor Dumbledore.

"Professord Dumbledore!" said he and Mac, surprised at the surprise encounter.

"Good evening!" he said.

"Good evening, sir!"

"Did you know that I can become invisible?"

"Can you?" Mac asked. "May I ask how?"

"Decades of training. And you? Are you prefecting hard or hardly prefecting?"

It was the latter, sadly enough.

"Well, actually," said Mac. "We're struggling with conflicting loyalties."

Dumbledore nodded. "Ohhh... Yes. How?"

"Uhm well we want to be loyal to our friends even though sometimes they do horrible things. But we also want to be loyal to you and Professor McGonagall, and earn the faith you've put in us."

"That sounds like quite the conundrum! Would you like me to tell you some inspirational story about myself that relates to your problem and offers, if not a solution, a better perspective?"

"Yes please!"

"Ok! Well, A very long time ago I had this, erm, friend. I was head over heels...friends with this chap. So much so I didn't know what I was doing half the time, all I saw was his smile...

But he was terrible, and he made me do terrible things and the only way to get his approval was by doing what he wanted. And all he ever wanted to do was serve his own motifs. By following his every whim I thought I was doing the good thing, the right thing. I thought I was just being loyal. But I wasn't doing anybody any favour, not me, not him, not all the people that died... a little on the inside. The thing is that I always knew we were doing bad things, it's not like it ever came as a shock. But for some irrational reason I believe his words over my own judgment. He was manipulative and made me doubt myself. That's just the sort of thing some people need to process a long time before they see it. Seems so obvious, with some distance..."

Somehow this seemed like something he needed to take up with his therapist. Remus couldn't say he much enjoyed this story at all.

"That was an extreme example, 'though," said Dumbledore. "The rules are there to keep things safe and orderly, and the best way to be loyal is to keep your friends out of trouble. I just can not wrap my head around the opposite being true. Getting your friends in trouble isn't loyalty at all in fact it's a very unwholesome friendship. So, did that help at all?"

Not really.


	11. Chapter 11

THE SNEAKEASY

PART 11

That so called "inspirational talk" had been neither inspirational nor motivational.

But Remus made up his mind nevertheless. Since he didn't even know where the new entrance was, finding and reporting couldn't be considered treacherous, ok?

He knew that he had to stalk them.

Back in the dorm and liberated from the Papillon-costume, he asked himself but one question: how could he do that without being seen?

It was as if his thievish fairies had read his thoughts, because it was at that moment they dropped his Quiet Clogs on his head.

Of course! The Quiet Clogs were not only entirely silent, they also didn't show up on the map! He had crafted them in a less loyal moment and forgotten about them until now, when the need for them arised.

He slipped into them immediately and dashed out of the dorm, still forgetting to take the false ears off.

XXX

It was close to nine o'clock. James and Sirius had decided to meet up by the marble head of Lady Prunella Hortensia Dimanche, a notorious highway lady who invented the rune powered greenhouse. James arrived first by two seconds, fresh from Quidditch. Sirius arrived second, fresh from "French class."

"You still have your poodle ears on," James remarked.

Sirius yanked them off. "Better?"

"Anyway," James looked around the quiet hall. "Coast seems clear..."

"Yes, I, too, shall have a look around and make sure we're not being followed!"  
James swept them in the cloak.

Remus watched it happen from behind the marble head of Lady Prunella Hortensia Dimanche and he could of course not see them now. But had he found another brilliant use for bubblegum or what?

Yes, he still had one last gumball. This was his crisis-gumball,which he kept in a glass container and carried with him everywhere, in case a sudden war would break out and cause a massive bubblegum shortage.

But instead of waiting for a war to happen, because surely he'd have his wand back then, he decided to use it here and now. He chewed it soft and flicked it at "nothing", hoping it would hit its target.

And when it did he did a little victory dance (the "needle and thread" that was currently trending in clubs everywhere, however he knew that) before quietly clogging after the hovering little chunk.

The gum led him down to the Chamber of Games, past the Duel Dungeons, the Walking Chess Arena, the Wall of Snakes and Ladders and Cluedo Rooms, stopping at the Scrabble Floor.

The floor consisted of a grid of green tiles, each of them a square meter, so shiny it mirrored the spinning spherical cage with the mirror racks above. Remus saw all this, looking through the window in the billiard room. He also saw James, Sirius and Cas as well at the Scrabble star in the middle, and if he opened said window he could hear them (but they, however, couldn't see him.)

Cas was a few tiles away from the star, walking towards it while spelling out her word using letters from her mirror rack. With each letter she announced, the tile she stood on flipped around and spelled it.

"H...I...N...N. Dolphinn, my favourite animal."

She removed one of her socks and pressed her bare foot against the center star before it flipped around to spell 'N'.

The entire room began to shake.

" _Wrong spelling!"_ came the angered voice of the Scrabble ghost.

Every letter flipped back to its blank state.

"No!" Cas cried before she fell through the flap when the tile she was standing on reset itself.

Sirius tossed his rack aside. "Let's not actually play."

"But I have a really good word," said James.

Unlike Cas, they skipped the game and simply removed their socks and pressed their feet against the star, and their admission was a lot less dramatic. The star beamed them to the secret location.

Remus climbed through the window. So all he had to do was take his sock off and press his foot against the star. Well, that sounded easy enough.

"It's here somewhere!" echoed a voice. "It's where we saw him go! Isn't that right, Marceau?"

Well blasted, other prefects! He just didn't want to be seen here and be fussed at. Although he couldn't see the window through which he had crawled, he knew it was right behind him, and that it could be accessed through the old pipe in the shape of a cyclops. Three fingers up the nose, and he had three seconds to hop back inside the billiards room through a temporary opening in the wall.

He watched Toady and Marceau run into the Scrabble Floor on their short legs.

"The Scrabble Floor," said Toady, almost moved by the sheer scale of things. "It just sounds like a really good place for a secret entrance, doesn't it? And that two-faced weirdo Loopy ought to know, don't you think?!"

Oh dear, so full of rage was she, she needed to take a few deep breaths.

"Now think...Some kind of password... Scrabble...Letters...Must be some word, but what?"

Marceau tapped her on her back and mimed something. Toady nodded.

"You're quite right. Professor Sprout did tell us that they will be suspended, the people behind this. I mean, it's only fair! People have been getting away with too much for far too long! I will be really sad if I don't get to be the one to out the rascals who have been disrespecting the rules!"

Was she serious? Here Remus had come all this way to find the new secret entrance in order to stop the Sneakeasy, only to find out that doing so would get James and Sirius suspend. Well, it so happened he was still fairly sure he didn't actually want them to be suspended.

But he _also_ didn't want _Toady_ to get them suspended! Had history ever seen such a conflict?

While Remus ping-ponged between the various courses of action he could take, Toady was having a rant about Canada.

"If anybody is going to Moosehoof it's me! They will look at me with awe, because it was I who stopped the Sneakeasy, and prevented it from spreading to other schools!"

For being the antagonist part in all this, she was making a kind of vainglorious sense.

Talking endlessly, and facing away from the scrabble star, she did not see Mac being beamed up. But Mac saw her and Marceau, and tried to sneak out queitly.

But then Roy and Mona appeared right in her way.

"Hi Mac!" said Mona."

"Hi Mona," said Mac. "Roy."

Roy wasn't as friendly and he skipped the pleasentries.

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"Just thought I saw someone heading this way. And you?"

"Hey!" said Toady, scurrying towards them. "She wasn't here two minutes ago!"

"I just got here," said Mac.

Although technically true, it was a lie. The others seemed to share an unspoken conviction that somewhere on the Scrabble Floor was the key to accessing the Sneakeasy's secret hideout.

Crool and Vicious arrived fashionably late. But they would not fool around playing Warlock Gnomes like the other prefects; they sent Mac running from the Scrabble Floor with either their lightest curses or worst hexes, forcing the others to choose between running after in a race to Ivy and Mangrove, or stay and find the way in, first.

They all chose the race.

There was a chandelier in the lounge that led to the Monopoly Room, and a lose brick in the jail that took Remus directly to the staff wing.

Not before long Mac came running, hardly out of breath, still with Vicious and Crool after her, both significantly more out of breath.

"Get her!" yelled Vicious.

Crool cast a spell that had Mac toppling over like a fir. Then she saw Remus.

"Get him!"

But it was they, who toppled over like firs the second time around. There was Mac, on her feet, very much not toppled like a fir. Meanwhile, the Mac lying on the floor began to fade.

"Hello," said Mac.

"But who is that?"

"It's my clone. I can clone myself."

"That's an amazing ability."

"I know. Being able to clone myself has served me well a number of times."

"Why did you ever decided you wanted to be able to do it?"

"Because..."

Here she had a private flashback, of her comorting a disconsolate Cas.

"He broke up with me!" Cas wailed.

"There, there," said Mac, while another Mac snuck out to her tuba lesson.

And that was the reason.


	12. Chapter 12

THE SNEAKEASY

PART 12

The actualy Sneakeasy hadn't moved, however. Only the entrance had been moved.

James and Sirius sat in the VIP room with their backs against the huge cauldron and their noses in their man-pleasing bowls, when the alarm rang. They did not register this immediately.

"Did you hear something?" James asked.

"I hear a lot of things," Sirius replied.

Cas came in from the Speakeasy.

"It's the alarm! Someone's coming!"

"Well _you're_ no _mother_ of mine!" Sirius retorted.

So Cas summoned a huge bucket of ice cold water and poured a good amount over him, James and also Fletcher, who was stirring in the cauldron.

"Did you hear what I just said?" Cas asked.

"The alarm's gone off?" Fletcher asked and dropped the ladle. Then he attempted to lift the entire cauldron from the stove manually.

"What are you behaving like a muggle for?" James asked him.

"My magic is really impaired for some reason!"  
James tried his wand, and so did Sirius and Cas, but they all had impaired magic for some reason. They felt as helpless as a turtle-kitten on its back in a tree.

"On three, then!" said James, trying to get a good grip of the cauldron.

The chaps could just barely lift it using their combined effort.

"These are feminist times, Cas!" said Sirius. "So don't just stand there! Make yourself useful!"

"You're wasting time! Just leave it!" Cas replied.

"Never!"

"Ok bye then! I love you!" said Cas and ran off.

Women, what a bunch of traitors!

"Come on we can do this!" said James.

There was an emergency exit in the form of an ogre's face. A lick on the nose took them to the Ground Floor. James and Sirius tried to move towards the stairs, but Fletcher held them back.

"Uhm where are you chaps going?" he asked.

"Our dorm, 'course!" James explained to him.

"But it's mine, too!"

This resulted in a violent pulling contest that resulted in a lot of spillage.

"Also, my dorm is closer," Fletcher argued.

"Your dorm is also the most unsafe!"

" _My_ dorm is unsafe? You're idiots, if you want to carry the Sleek all the way up there!"

Yeah he had a point there. But he just wanted the Sleek to himself, the greedy bastard!  
"This is all a waste of time," said Sirius. "Someone's coming. Through here."  
A tapestry depicting a wedding scene between Helga Hufflepuff's two badgers took them to the seventh floor in the easternmost wing. From where they stood, they could see the bottom steps of the winding stairs leading to the Gryffindor tower.

"Hey! Nobody was coming!" said Fletcher.

"Somebody was coming! At some point!" said Sirius.

"You lied."

"Sssh! Someone's coming!"

"Up this way, then!" said James. "Mind the Death Step!"

The had to walk the last bit of the main stairs, because the stairs were asleep at this hour. The top step was nicknamed the Death Step, due to having trapped and swallowed many. Fletcher did not put up a fuss anymore. He followed the other chaps, and stepped over the topmost step very carefully.

"Phew!" he said, standing firmly on the top step.

"Fletcher, no!"

But alas, too late! The top step broke and his foot sank into the debris, refusing to let go. The chaps almost dropped the cauldron when Fletcher lost his grip around it.

"Go on without me!" Fletcher moaned, as he tried not to resist the evil Death Step.

"We're trying!"

"It's what I would have wanted if I had!"

Despite being marginally lighter, the cauldron was just too clumpsy and awkward to carry fast enough, and somebody really was coming now.

"Damn why don't these things could with handles?" Sirius asked.

"Wait I have an idea!" said James and whistled.

"Hey!"

"What, it's not like anybody's coming at this very moment!"

"Who knows? I've been so paranoid ever since I couldn't find my Silence Slippers."

"And I my Soundless Socks."

"You have Soundless Socks? How could you?"

"Well you have Silence Slippers? How could _you?"_

But now was not the time to pull down eachother's pants and look for the Mark of the Traitor, for someone came. Or rather, something came: James's freshly waxed Ziggy Stardust. Nighttime only seemed to enhance it's shine and beauty.

"If it could balance on it," said James.

"Well, it was _close_ to a good idea. Hm, I might be able to get another one."

"But you'd have to whistle, and someone's coming!"

"I know how you could get it to stick," said Fletcher. "But you will hate me for it."

"How?"

Fletcher reached inside his robes. His solution: a glass jar containing a gumball in what was unmistakably LSD solution.

"It was you! You got bubblegum banned!"

"Uhmm...No?"

"Yes it was!"  
"Well, what is it to you?"

Now was not the time to fuss about the current state of Sirius's shoes. You never knew if somebody was coming.

The sight of bubblegum irritated them somewhat, since it was the weapon of traitors. But the recent revelation bugged them more. Besides, they really needed the bubblegum right now, as much as they hated to admit it, and would forever deny it.

Fletcher chewed it soft and drew it out in a long string which they could use to tie the cauldron around the Ziggy Stardust. Once they had done this, James gave the brush a spank and sent it away.

"God speed!" he said, saluting it.

Somebody came. It was Slughorn, and he asked them why they hadn't attended his Slug Party earlier. James and Sirius swore they'd be at the next one, just so he wouldn't get the idea of fussing at them for being out after midnight or standing in a puddle of hallucinogenic shampoo.

"Excellent! Good night!" he said and left.

"Good night."

"Good night," said Fletcher, his dirty head being the last bit of him on surface level now.

Entering their dorm at last a few minutes later, James and Sirius felt pretty good about themselves.

"Good evening," said Professor McGonagall.

They felt less good about themselves now.

"Good evening, Professor!" they replied.

"I've been told you've been holding some kind of secret drug den."

"What? Who told you that?" James asked.

"Several people."

"Well," said Sirius, tossing his duvet over the giant cauldron. "I guess you'll be needing proof."

Apparently she already had proof.


	13. Chapter 13

THE SNEAKEASY

PART 13

James and Sirius were quite dispirited the next day after receiving word of their coming suspension the night before.

"I am in so much trouble!" James moaned.

"You're in trouble? What about me?" said Sirius.

"You're not in trouble! You're parents already hate you! They can hardly hate you more!"

"They can express it in new ways!"

"Me, on the other hand, being from such an ideal perfect little loving family, I'm the one who has something to lose! And I sure want to know who to blame!"

It was Sunday. They had just been wandering around, wallowing in their worry without paying attention to where they were, when they heard a voice. It was unmistakably Toady's voice, and she did not sound happy.

"That trip to Canada should have been ours, Beau!" she raged. "I was going to report them! I had that trip to Canada in my hand! But that was all ruined by those hypocrites McKinnon and Lupin! They never get off their sanctimonious backsides unless there's honour and a trip to Canada in it for them! So transparent!"

They could hear Toady and Marceau go away.

"Well! I never!" said Sirius.

"Look where we are!"

Yes, they had absent mindedly wandered off to the library again. They took a few steps deeper into it. There they found Remus, behind a huge bubble, seeming complete again. Seeming a complete traitor! Sirius popped it. He was going to check him for the Mark of the Traitor!

"Well! I never!"

"So that's how it is, is it?" James asked, his arms crossed.

"How what is?" Remus asked, tearing gum from his face.

"You! Reporting us!"  
"I told you I'd do it."

"But for a trip to _Canada?!"_

"Mhm."

"You really would report us and get us suspended for a trip to Canada," said Sirius, "just so some more irritating prefect wouldn't get the glory and pens?"

"It just seemed like a good time to follow the rules."

"Hearing you say that makes me feel so warm and fuzzy on the inside!" said Sirius and hugged him.

"The honour and glory wasn't so important to me. I just didn't want anybody else to have it! Is that weird?"

"Never heard you say anything less weird."

"I didn't want you to get suspended. But you would have gotten suspended either way."

"We would have done the same thing!"

"Anyway," said James. "We should pack. So Padfoot, have you decided how you want to spent our one day in suspension?"

"One day off is so little! I would have liked to go someplace exotic, like Guadaloupe. But we can't, because we just had to be suspended on a Tuesday!"

But hey, they'd come up with something. Or rather, come down with something.


End file.
